Sat, June 12, 2010 - 3:57:58

Learning to “Fight Right” with Your Spouse Can Fend Off Illness

If you’ve ever uttered “You make me sick,” while in a heated argument with your spouse, you might actually be right.  Recent research suggests that couples who don’t know how to resolve disputes in a healthy manner could be seriously endangering their health.

CNN reports that a study conducted at Ohio State University found that couples with positive communication styles healed faster from minor wounds than those who fought in a negative manner. Scientists found that the participants who healed fastest displayed the highest levels of the protective hormone oxytocin in their blood—and that, they theorize, is directly related to the overall happiness of their marriages.

Previous medical research has also concluded that happily married people have higher immune function, lower blood pressure, and a decreased risk of heart disease as compared to their unhappy counterparts.  And contrary to what you might think stress in a marriage can actually be more detrimental than stress on the job.

As New York Times Health writer and author of the new book For Better: the Science of a Good Marriage, Tara Parker-Pope explains to CNN, happy marriages have less to do with the quantity of arguments and more to do with the quality. So if you want to grow old together, it’s important to learn how to communicate effectively—especially when you’re angry. 

It all starts with being NICE. In our book, THE POWER OF NICE: How to Conquer the Business World With Kindness, we discuss how kindly handling an argument or disagreement in a professional setting can actually help you strengthen your working relationships. The same goes for your most important partnership of all: your marriage.  The key is to stay away from insults, angry tones, and emotional outbursts and instead speak rationally, calmly, and positively when you are ready to do so.

Step Back: When you’re in the heat of the moment, it can be tempting to go on the attack.  Doing so might provide instant gratification, but it can have lasting negative effects.  So, before you say something hurtful while you’re under the influence anger, walk away and give yourself time to reflect on what’s really bothering you.  That way you can have a calm and productive discussion instead of a full-blown fight.

Start with the Good Stuff: People are much more receptive to criticism when it is prefaced by a positive truth.  Think of it as a way of saying, “I come in peace.” For example, if it was your spouse’s turn to wash the dishes two nights ago and they’re still piled up in the sink, instead of saying, “Do I look like a maid? Those dishes aren’t gonna wash themselves and it’s your turn,” try, “That dinner you cooked a few nights ago was delicious. And if you wash those pans tonight, I can return the favor.”

It’s Not Me vs. You: In our competitive culture, it’s natural to want to “win” an argument with your spouse, but that “Me vs. You” mentality does little to help a marriage. So, instead of trying to “crush the competition” change your outlook, and think of a fight as a “we” endeavor.  By working together instead of against one another, you’ll be able to amicably resolve your problems and move forward as a stronger couple.

Posted by Linda and Robin