Thu, November 05, 2009 - 10:19:36

Ask, Don’t Tell: How a Few Good Questions Can Ease an Angry Situation

In our book, THE POWER OF NICE: How to Conquer the Business World with Kindness, we explain how you can use the simple act of asking questions to help you in your quest for success.  But, while we were reading Peter Bregman’s blog at the Harvard Business Review today, we were reminded of another powerful way in which this NICE technique really works: in diffusing a tense situation.  So contrary to the popular old saying, as Bregman explains, when under attack, many times the best offense isn’t a good defense. It’s actually a good question.

Typically, when encountering an angry moment, our advice is to give yourself a minute to cool off, reflect on your emotions, and imagine yourself in the other person’s shoes before reacting.  Then, once you are ready to talk, you can approach the other person with an even temper and a naturally disarming matter-of-fact approach.  But, inevitably there will be occasions when a time-out isn’t an option and you’re faced head-on with a real confrontation.  And in this instance, channeling your inner Larry King can work to everyone’s advantage.

Contrary to what you might think, giving excuses and lengthy explanations in an attempt to placate someone else does little to help.  In fact, as Bregman recounts in the story of his furious next-door neighbor, trying to “talk your way out of it” is counterproductive and can actually add fuel to the fire. 

So instead of indulging the urge to defend yourself, ask a question such as, “How can I help?” or “Can you tell me more?”  Then, zip those lips and listen intently.  After all, if someone has come to you to air his or her grievances, chances are that what he or she really wants is to be heard.  And more importantly, when you show genuine interest in the other party’s concerns through the use of a question, you show that you really care.

Although asking a question will not instantly quash anger, it immediately transforms the situation from an attack to a dialogue.  And by engaging your so-called opponent in a more supportive forum, you will find that you can more effectively resolve your differences and move forward with a stronger bond.

Posted by Linda and Robin