Thu, March 04, 2010 - 8:00:25

Think You Need a “Marriage Ref?”  Try Arguing the NICE Way.

It’s a given that at one time or another, all married couples will fight, whether it’s about money, family, household chores, or even a new paint color for the living room, and if you happened to catch the pilot for Jerry Seinfeld’s new NBC show, “The Marriage Ref,” on Sunday, you might have noticed there’s a certain comic value to the often inane arguments married couples endure. 

But, unless you’re on a reality show hoping to win a second honeymoon, hitting “below the belt” during a spat does little to help, no matter how gratifying it might feel in the moment.  Research has proven time and time again that NICE people stay married longer, and we suspect that one reason why could be that they know how to “fight right.” So, if you feel like you need a marriage ref in your life, try being NICE.

When you’re angry, it’s easy to fall under the seductive spell of your emotions and go on an all-out verbal attack.  After all, unleashing a tirade of personal criticisms and eliciting a response can make you feel more powerful, but if your goal is resolution and not total annihilation, it’s also a fatal error.  Instead, it’s best to give yourself a minute to cool off, regroup, and discover for yourself why you are truly angry.  Then, once you are feeling calm and rational, you can return to the conversation with an even temper and a fresh perspective, beginning your statements with positive truths rather than negative observations.

For example, if your partner’s repeated last-minute cancellation of plans with friends has you fuming, take a step back and resist the urge to go on a fiery rampage.  Then, when you have regrouped, instead of opening with, “What is the matter with you?” or “Why can’t you ever get your act together?” you can calmly and kindly explain, “You know how much our friends have been looking forward to getting together with the two of us.  So, when we cancel on them at the last minute, it really hurts their feelings.”  That way, you’ll motivate your spouse to take the initiative and make a change rather than forcing a new behavior.

Even if you’re not married, using this gentler approach to arguing can have a big payoff.  Whether it’s with a friend, a family member, a coworker, or a boyfriend or girlfriend, learning to fight constructively can help you resolve issues instead of exacerbating them.  And isn’t that what you’re really fighting for?

 

Posted by Linda and Robin