Fri, September 11, 2009 - 3:16:09

Who Are You Calling a Pushover?  Why NICE is Strong.

There’s a common misconception about the word “nice.”  Typically, when you hear someone described that way, you tend to infer that there’s just nothing else worth saying about them.  In other words, “nice” has mistakenly come to signify someone who is unremarkable, insignificant, and weak.  But, ever since we released our book, THE POWER OF NICE: How to Conquer the Business World with Kindness, we’ve been on a mission to change all that.  Why?  Because we think nice is the toughest four letter word you’ll ever hear.

So it goes without saying that we were a little disappointed when we heard an all too common question on NBC’s Today Show recently.  In a segment discussing Rachel Simmons’ new book, The Curse of the Good Girl, one viewer wrote in to ask: “My daughter is too nice and can be a pushover with her friends. How can I help her assert herself more?”

Of course, as the moms of two wonderful daughters, we’re all for instilling a healthy sense of confidence in girls from an early age, but we take issue with equating being nice to being a push-over.  Because in our experience being nice means being strong and you can assert yourself most effectively when you’re being kind, no matter what your age.

For adolescent girls, the dynamic between friends can pose a difficult situation. In this Gossip Girl era of Queen Bees and Wannabes, many girls, like the Today Show viewer’s daughter, find themselves surrendering their own power to a controlling “frenemy,” but instead of resorting to vicious tactics, girls can use the power of nice to protect themselves.  And as parents, it’s our responsibility to arm them with the information they need before they find themselves starring in their own real life version of Mean Girls.

If you need a little help getting started, why not try these NICE tips:

Give a compliment: While it’s rare for girls to physically bully one another, verbal abuse in the form of insults is a common way for “queen bees” to control their friends.  So, the next time your daughter finds herself as a target, show her how she can stand up for herself by saying something nice. If her clique’s leader snidely remarks, “Becky, those earrings are so last season.  Why are you wearing them?” your daughter can reply with a little humor, “Guess I missed that article in CosmoGirl! You’re so up on the trends.”  By diffusing the situation with a compliment, your daughter gives her friend nowhere to go with her attack.

Say No by Saying Yes: No, we don’t advocate that your daughter gives into peer pressure just to placate her friends; instead teach your daughter to resist temptation by offering an alternative idea that gives everyone something else to say yes to.  For example, if popular-girl Heather invites everyone over to her house while her parents are out of town, your daughter can suggest, “That might be fun.  Or, has anyone been to that new coffee bar that just opened?  I heard a bunch of people are going this weekend to try the frozen hot chocolate.”

Stay Positive:  There’s an old saying, “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”  But, in girl-world this can be a tough adage to live by.  But, let your daughter know that not feeding the rumor mill is the best way to stay out of it.

Posted by Linda and Robin