Tue, April 27, 2010 - 8:38:31

For Better or for Worse, it’s the Little Things that Matter

In the world of dating, there’s and oft repeated phrase men and women tell each other when searching for Mr. or Ms. Right: “Don’t sweat the small stuff.”  But, while singles are sometimes criticized for being too picky—writing off potential mates because of strange quirks and mildly annoying habits—research shows they might be on to something.  Why?  Because more often than not, it’s the so-called small stuff that can make or break a marriage. 

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Elizabeth Bernstein writes in the Wall Street Journal this week that although people tend to fixate on the big issues that affect marriages—particularly finances and fidelity—the little things that build up over time that are equally, if not even more important.  In fact, she even reports that one factor in the demise of a marriage was the manner in which a husband buttered his morning English muffins.

Although annoyances like leaving the toothpaste cap unscrewed or never unloading the dishwasher might seem innocuous, they shouldn’t be ignored.  Instead, Dr. Terri Orbuch, a psychologist and author of Five Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage From Good to Great, says to address the issues before they snowball, but to do so tactfully.  In short, in order to keep these little issues from steamrolling your marriage, it’s essential to adopt a few NICE tricks: stay positive, address the behavior, and resist the urge to criticize the person.  For example, instead of barking, “What is the matter with you? You always leave the toilet seat up!” try using a little humor and nicely say, “Going for a surprise dip this morning sure helped me wake up, but I would really appreciate it if you could please put the toilet seat down.”

Of course, keeping the small stuff in check shouldn’t be a one sided endeavor.  In fact, the little things each of us do—seemingly trivial actions that might drive our partners crazy—can actually have a profound effect on marital happiness and longevity.  So, don’t discount their importance and instead, be mindful of how the little things you do affect your spouse and take the initiative to improve upon them, one step at a time.  After all, something as simple as rinsing off your plate before loading the dishwasher could actually make or break your marriage.

Recognizing the power even our smallest gestures possess and making tiny changes as needed isn’t just a simple way to strengthen your partnership, it’s actually a key to ensuring your good health.  As a recent article by Tara Parker Pope of the New York Times reports, happy marriages are vital to longevity, while unhappy unions and divorces can have serious health consequences.  In fact, happily married people are significantly less likely to develop a wide range of serious illnesses, including heart disease and diabetes, and are more apt to heal from injuries and recover from infections. 

It’s just another example of how sweating the small stuff can’t just change your life, it can extend it.  So, the next time you trip over a pair of shoes left in the hallway or clean up yet another abandoned dirty dish, don’t silently stew and allow your frustration to build; instead clear the air in a NICE way and enjoy the “better” side of coupledom.

Posted by Linda and Robin